2013 – My Year Of Balance
January 2nd, 2014 • Appreciation & Gratitude, Personal Writing, Positive Projections, Year End Updates
When I look back at my 2013 there are two fairly distinct thoughts that go through my mind. One being that the year seemed to go by more quickly than previous years. Of course the year did not go by any quicker, but I think it felt that way for me because I was more active in certain aspects of my life especially in my work. I worked a lot more in 2013 than I did in 2012 or 2011.
The other thing that stands out for me so clearly at the end of this year is how much I can see where my life is now was a part of a longer continuation over the last few years of a very deliberate, mindful, and intentional path I’ve been on internally, and in every other aspect of my life.
2011 was a year when a number of things hit a wall for me. Which of course had been building up for a handful of years leading up to that dramatic year when nothing seemed to work and I was getting hit from every angle. That build up and crash had happened to me before in other years and in other ways, but something was different and more final about it then. Without going into the longer version here (which I will share at some point in the future via a written essay) I will say that my response to this cyclical build up and crash was also different. In 2011, I took off. Like, really took off. In the fall of 2011 I spent close to 300 hours for 36 days in a row alone. Again, I’ll save the full story for another day, but having that experience changed my life and is an important part of the story behind my 2013.
During those 36 days I asked myself a lot of questions. Specifically, why is it that these ‘walls’ keep happening to me? What is the pattern here? Why is my life not working out how I want or have planned for it too? And after many hours alone I finally figured it out. The answer isn’t really that shocking. I realized, “Oh, I get it. All this shit that is happening ‘to you’ isn’t coming from some external place, no one, and no things are creating these problems for you. – You are your own problem.” Again, I finally got it. I realized that when I looked closely enough at my problems I could see clearly my own part in them. Once I finally could see things for what they really were from a truly open and honest place I had to decide what to do about it. For me, that answer came fairly quickly and clearly. I needed to change. I wasn’t too judgmental of myself and didn’t try to hide from my own issues either, but I was very humbled by the process. I had to look in the mirror and own the parts of myself that basically sucked. It is a hard thing to admit to yourself your own serious flaws and then commit to trying to do something about them. It’s embarrassing and can make you feel like a weak or even a bad person. I had extended moments where I thought, “Wow, I really am a bad person.” But, again, I got past that and realized that no, I wasn’t actually a bad person, I just needed to become a better person. The question wasn’t about how bad or good I was. It became about how much better could I become? That’s where I ended 2011. How much better can I become?
That question was my focus for the next year. 2012 was an amazing year for me with a lot of personal growth. I slowed way down. I became way more intentional about what I was doing with my life and why. I devoted more time to the people, places, and things that I cared about most. I continued to reduce my possessions. I spent more time outdoors and climbing. I became a much happier person and was even more honest with myself and with other people around me. I stopped trying to force things to work and was more open to the things that already were working. And I continued to ask myself the same questions over and over – how can I become a better person? I also started to feel a stronger and deeper sense of appreciate for all of the good things that were in my life my already. I found myself looking at small little things or moments in a more positive light and noticing things that in the past I would have surly taken for granted. Ultimately, I became a better more happy person. It felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. The happiness I grew into during last year was more foundational than I had felt during other happy years in my life previously. It wouldn’t be too far of a stretch to say that in 2011 I finally ‘woke up’ to see things inside of myself and outside of myself from a more aware and honest place, or in other words I had experienced an ‘awakening’. And that in 2012 as I worked towards becoming a more happy and better person I was also becoming more spiritual.
Looking back over my 2013 I see how the shifts I had gone through over the last few years have carried over into this year and another level of happiness arrived for me. This past year I felt a type of balance I’ve never felt before. My life just flowed. All of the elements of things that I care about came together in my work, climbing, gardening, spending time with my best friends and family, travels, finances, and my daily life just came together. Sure, I had crabby moments, tired and hungry moments, some stressful days, and not everything worked according to plan. But, I was still happier than I’ve ever been in a deep foundational kind of way. And I still had many moments of overwhelming appreciation for just being alive. Sometimes I would take a drink of water and go, “Man, I’m so lucky to be able to drink clean water.” I’d almost get emotional about it. I mean, shit, I never use to be like that. I never thought twice about how lucky I am to be able to drink clean water. But, when you do think about it though, you know you are lucky.
Looking back on 2013 all I can see and think about is how unbelievably lucky I am to have lived this past year and experience everything that I did, in good health, with people that I love, and doing so many of the things I’m so passionate about.
I know that life changes, nothing stays the same, life isn’t fair, I will struggle, fail, and I will fall again, but I feel at least for right now, I’ve finally found my balance, my foundation, my happiness, and the right kind of appreciation for life. All I hope for this coming year is to stay mindful, awake, aware, and focused on maintaining my balance. And helping others find their balance too because happiness is worthwhile when shared.