Living My Whole Truth & Why I’m Moving

In a few days I’m moving from the Twin Cities where I’ve lived in various spots around town for the last 9 years. I’ve moved away before. In college I lived in the Caribbean for a while. My first job after college was in Washington D.C. working in the Senate. A year after that I lived in Austin, TX. Each of these moves were for different reasons and gave me some cherished life experiences and friends. Looking back now on the places I’ve lived in the past I can see and feel the distance between who I was then and who I am now. In some ways I’m not so different. I still have a lot of the same interests, mannerisms, beliefs, and the same kind of energy about me. But, the ways in which I’m different now are important and I feel more whole. I feel more complete in my being- if that makes sense. When I was growing up into my teen years and beyond into my 20’s I had a lot of confidence and didn’t fear much if anything. I was good at getting situations to end up in my favor. When looking back if I didn’t want to be completely honest with myself I could soften my perspective on my past by thinking of myself as a kind of energetic motivated eager charming fellow trying to make his way in the world. Which is partially true. But, if I am being completely honest with myself I’d also have to admit that my confidence wasn’t so benign and that more or less I had an ego problem. As in, I often actually felt like I was better, smart, or some other version of superiority than many if not most of everyone else. And that my motivations where often selfish. And my charm was a tool for manipulation. If I could get something from someone that I wanted, then why not? Although, I never took advantage of women. I hurt a few of them, but never intentionally.

Regardless my over active ego and manipulative charm work well for me for a long time. Generally speaking I got what I wanted, did what I wanted, and lived how I wanted. And I suppose I wouldn’t say I was a totally crazy ego-manic, but in the past I never would have or could have admitted that I had any sort of issue with it, mostly because I wasn’t self aware enough to even realize what I was doing. It’s just who I was. On some level I suppose I was born that way.

It took me a long time of failing and hitting a lot of the same walls over and over again to recognize the patterns that were showing up in my life and in the end finally being able to openly and honestly see my own part in them. It’s a super humbling experience to admit to yourself honestly that you’re a huge part of your own problem. It can hurt to look into the mirror and not have an excuse for the truth that is staring back at you.

The trick for me when I finally saw my whole self, the good parts and the bad parts was to not get too down on myself. Just taking it in for what it was. Seeing my own truth without putting any judgement on it. Taking stock of what was my reality. The reality that I had created and that I was living. And once I got to a place of real clarity and real honesty without judging myself I asked myself the only thing you can in that situation, which is, “What am I going to do about it?” Or rather “who am I going to be now?” My answer was simple. I wanted to become a better, more honest, more sincere, more humble, more healthy, and more happy person. I wanted to become the best person I could be.

My real hard look in the mirror moment happened about 3 years ago now. Since that time I have actually become a better person on some level in all of the ways I had hoped I could. And it’s a funny thing because the better you become and the better you feel the more happy you become and the more happy you become you just want to keep on going… and be as happy as you possibly can as much as you can. The feeling of deep and genuine soulful happiness is amazing. It has it’s own layers too. When you feel that way and you live that way things start to work out for you in amazing ways. People want to be around you. Other people want to help you. Strangers are nicer too you. Things line up for you. You feel lucky because you are lucky. You’re lucky to be so happy and so healthy- you’re alive. But, not just breathing, but alive in your whole being. You beam and everyone and everything around you knows it, feels it, and either loves you for it or tries to tear you down. But, when you’re there feeling super pure, super honest, genuine, good, kind, giving, loving, happy and alive – you are doing and being exactly what you were born to do. You were born to live in a way that makes you most happy that isn’t hurting anyone or anything else. That’s it. It’s so simple and I think we all know this, we all know somewhere inside of ourselves we’re suppose to be happy.

But, it’s funny how we get so lost in our lives. We chase other peoples dreams. We follow the rules of our society or our work place that we know are wrong. We lie and cheat and steal because we can get away with it. We overlook our flaws and over inflate our accomplishments. We do all kinds of things and live all kinds of ways so we don’t ever need to actually be completely and fully honest with ourselves because if we were it would mean we’d have to do something about it. It’s easier to pretend that nothing is wrong than try to fix something that might require a lot of hard work and pain in the process. But, if we all had the courage to admit our mistakes, admit our flaws, take ownership and responsibility over our own issues- the real things holding us back, we’d find out in the end that true freedom is on the other side of those walls. True freedom and happiness lives only on the other side of our own walls the ones we have created for ourselves. Your only limitation is yourself. It’s ironic really.

You can get there. I feel like I’ve made it. I’m happy. Not all the time and not everyday, but somehow I’m deeply happy in a way I never knew before and I know that it’s real. And living what I feel makes me want to see everyone else get here too. It’s not about me anymore. It’s about all of us feeling better. Being better.

So if I’m finally completely happy then why would I move?

Because now it’s time to celebrate. It’s time for dessert. It’s time to be free. And live exactly the way that feels most right. I’m living to fuel my happiness.